So if you don't know, Lilo and Stitch had a remake, and well, here's my review of it if you need additional context.
Short story, it wasn't good, and the ending was just terrible. Even with that though, I think there is some good to get out of it, and that is with a dark PG-13 sequel, one that takes this story in a new direction that if done would be a good apology for all that Bob Iger has subjected us to (not full forgiveness, there is still a lot of work to be done, but an accepted olive branch that is the start of the path to restoring trust). Oh yeah, MAJOR SPOILERS for the Lilo and Stitch Live Action sequel. Oh yeah, I also originally tried posting this to the Lilo and Stitch sub-reddit but because of the spoilers it needed mod approval and the mods seem to be rip van winkle since they wouldn't accept my spoiler post, so I guess my website will get all the potential traffic instead of your sub :P
It opens with an ariel view of the California coast, it's sunny and people are surfing, it looks great. We then transition to Nani in her dorm room, studying frantically as she longfully looks out at the ocean, wishing to be back in Hawaii with Lilo. We glance over at multiple low grade assignments, she's not doing well. She heads down to the cafeteria gets some food, tries to have some small talk with classmates, but it doesn't work because "all she ever does is talk about how great Hawaii is, and that marine biology was so much easier when she back home," and if she misses it so much why did she come to California instead of studying there. As they walk away she says to herself "I ask myself that every night, I can't believe I gave up learning marine biology for free at a Hawaiian state school to learn here." She sits down alone, depressed. As she starts to eat her sad meal everyone starts freaking out and looking at the cafeteria TV. It's an emergency news bulletin about mass chaos happening in Hawaii. It's like something out of a disaster movie; explosions, fires, deadly lasers, and the feed cuts off after something hits the camera.
This scares Nani, because Lilo is back in Hawaii. She runs back to her dorm and starts fidgeting with the teleporter gun. It hasn't been used for months after it broke, and because of that she lost contact with Lilo. She can't fix it, it's alien technology after all. She's now running around the city trying to find someone to take her to the island, but no one is crazy enough to go there. Defeated, Pleakly finds her and says "come with me, I'll take you to Hawaii."
When she gets there, she goes to her old house looking for Lilo. The house is a pile of rubble, completely destroyed. She runs over to the neighbor's house but she can't be found. After some searching Nani finds her under some rubble. Nani asks where Lilo is and if she's safe. The neighbor says "I don't know where she is, but she's probably safe considering she's causing all of this." "WHAT!?" "Yeah, I was trying to take care of her, but the girl was just too wild, especially with that dog. Things were OK for a little while when you were coming around, but it just got harder and harder, so I had to give her back to the state. Well when she heard that all hell broke loose. She and that dog broke out and went on a rampage, and here we are." This is really bad, Nani asks where she might be able to find Lilo, and the neighbor gives her some ideas but no real direction. She tells Pleakly to help her but Pleakly just got word that the galactic federation was going to "contain" the problem. That's good, until he explains that "contain" means completely destroy. Nani says "maybe if I talk to her I can fix this." It's a big start-up scene.
As Nani ventures into the wasteland, she's confronted by other evil experiments. When Lilo and Stitch went evil, Jumba jumped at the opportunity and said "I have 625 other evil experiments, this will make the evil all the easier." It's just a rouges gallery of different experiments, all of which are something that confronts Nani's different insecurities. I'd give more details, but unfortunately I'm not THAT big of a Lilo and Stitch fan to know all the lore and who would be right. I would have this last like a good 20 minutes at least.
After many "sub bosses," Nani finally reaches Lilo, a completely feral child sitting on a throne of destruction surrounded by evil experiments with Stitch at her side. Nani is about to get thrown out by an experiment but Lilo grants her an audience. She talks to Lilo and asks why. "You abandoned me for your California. Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind. You left me behind, so we're no longer Ohana. Stitch is my ohana now, and he showed me how great it is to be bad." The heartbreak is visible, Nani is petrified as she realizes this is all her fault. "Stitch, get rid of her," Stitch laughs manically. Pleakly drags Nani away because Nani can't move.
That's as far as my flushed out idea has gotten. I don't know how I would continue it, and how Nani would redeem herself and Lilo or if this would end on a sad ending of the end of the world. "It's a Disney movie, you gotta end on a happy note," first off, this is an alternate reality where Disney recognizes their mistake and does a scorched earth "retcon" of what they made before and since this idea existing is already a far fetched fantasy I can do what I want, and second, "Ohana means abandon your only family to go to college" is not a happy ending and that actually exists in this reality. I guess I'll make 2 different endings and let the test screenings decide.
Here's the set-up for the final scenes. Pleakly talks to Nani and says we need to get out of here, but Nani is still broken by what happened. She tells Pleakly that she can't go on, how could she live knowing that she was the cause of all of this, her selfishness drove the last person she loved to a life of destruction which is going to end in the death of her last family.
Here's the "happy ending," Pleakly says something about his parents and how on his planet people screw up but don't forget the lessons they taught them, like the importance of parasites in an ecosystem (a subtle reference to his mosquito obsession in the real movie that was dropped in the remake). This is played for laughs but it gives real inspiration to Nani, and Nani finds a photo of them all together at an Elvis impersonator concert. Nani fights her way back into the throne room desperately trying to talk to Lilo, but it's no use and the guards are throwing her out, but then she yells "remember the time we went to see Elvis with mom and dad?" Lilo hears this and tells the guards to stop. Nani shows Lilo the picture and says something like "mom and dad are still here, in our memories and in me, I was the one who suggested we see the Elvis show, I know I'm not mom and dad, but I know them and remember them, and can tell you more about them so you don't forget, and I realize I was a shitty sister [yes she says "shitty," this is a PG-13 movie], but I've learned from my mistake, and I promise to be better, I'll never leave the island again, I hated California, I was failing my classes and nobody liked me, and I never got to surf, and worst of all, I didn't have you." Nani takes out her student ID and throws it over to a fire experiment where it destroys the ID. "I left you behind, and I'm sorry, but now I'm coming back to get you." Stitch gets ready to kill Nani but Lilo tells him to stop, and that all the experiments have to stop. Now they go around commanding all the experiments to stop their destruction and start fixing up the city. We cut to the galactic death ship that is getting ready to blow up the earth, but Pleakly calls the leader woman and tells her to call off the death laser, and shows her how they are repairing. She orders the laser to stop, and then demands to know what made Stitch stop. She is introduced to Nani again and Nani talks about how she learned what's really important in life, and is now going to use that to teach her little sister and dog, and as we see them rebuilding the house the social worker comes over and starts grilling her about if she's a fit guardian for Lilo. Nani then says "bitch [again, PG-13], do you realize that when I gave up guardianship Lilo and her friends almost got the earth destroyed, but now that I'm back the earth not only ISN'T blown up but the war zone that resulted from that bad decision is now being rebuilt, frankly, I'm the only fit guardian to take care of Lilo, now why don't you get off my property before I have muscles here force you to leave." The social worker a bit taken aback and startled then says "very well, I'll be on my way and you'll never hear from me again." The sisters laugh as she stumbles away, with some of the experiments scaring her. Lilo then asks Nani to tell her a story about mom and dad from when she was a baby, and we fade out of the movie as Nani starts talking about the time when Lilo got into mom's purse and changed out the real money for play money, which made for quite an interesting time to pay for the groceries that week. And they all lived happily ever after.
Now for the "sad ending." Pleakly tries to tell Nani to get on the ship to get to safety, and Nani can't decide on if she should or not. Pleakly gives some kind of speech about following the laws and doing what was right for her, and Nani is like "oh REALLY, you're going to tell me to do something that's right for me, well news flash, the last time I 'did the right thing for me' the world got a giant target painted on it for some intergalactic death ray. Everyone was telling me 'you're not fit, you're too young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't get tied down,' and when I finally listened to them and went to pursue a degree for myself instead of taking care of my little sister she and that dog went and destroyed the island which is now going to end in the destruction of the earth, all because I wasn't there." As Nani finishes this monologue, an experiment picks up the ship and starts shaking it trying to get them to come out. Lilo is outside with an army of evil experiments wanting Nani's head. Just then, an alarm starts going off, the death ray has been fired (it's "slow movie light" so all the things I'm about to talk about have time to happen), and the ship starts taking off automatically with Pleaky and Nani on board. The docking bay door is still open, and Nani sees Lilo on the ground screaming "get back here you coward, we're not finished yet." Nani jumps out of the ship, lands on Lilo tackling her as she hugs her tight, and then the screen fades to white. Boom.
Well, which do you like? Do you like the "classic Disney happy ending" or the "mature deconstruction sad ending?" This has been Pokematic, signing off, and bu-bye.
